Saturday, June 6, 2009

The Insanity of Self

Lately I'm overwhelmed.  It's the "I hate transitions b/c they make me feel like I'm not in control" deal.  It's summer.  I'm working some while my kids hang with an awesome babysitter.  We have baseball every night but two, and I helplessly look at all my family's "discretionary" time, slipping through my fingers.

Heck, it's all good stuff, great stuff even, and I'm not really complaining.  I just feel uneasy, and possibly on the verge of tears here and there.

Here's the kicker though.  When I get like this, I "pull a Paul" (from Romans 7) and do what I don't want to do...which is to (in a very Houdini-esque fashion) turn myself inside out and withdraw into the mind of Mindy.  This can be a very fun place to be, but it can also be short-sighted, melancholy and reclusive.  And as I fold up into myself, I can clearly & fully hear my Savior's gentle but firm insistence. Cling to me.  Come to me and I will give you rest (Matthew 11 :28).  Which is the very thing I need in seasons such as this.   But for some asinine reason, I run from exactly what I need.  Which in turn, causes me to delve into the abyss of self even more!

That cycle, my friends, is the picture of insanity.  And I can be the most insane of all.

But I am grateful that experience has taught me much.  I can see the signs.  I know when I'm approaching that place I need not be.  And usually, I can choose to make a sharp left turn and find my way Home again.  And here's the good thing...when I'm back in His fold, I find peace, clarity, a level-head, and equilibrium; and I never hear what I dread the most, which is , I told you so.  

It's then, in his provision, acceptance and love, that being captive to the dead-end of myself becomes less and less attractive.


1 comment:

KT said...

I needed to read this. Thank you. :) Hugs, Katie