Fully In

My youngest got hurt today. The whole bending of the finger backward when playing basketball. He was bawling and writhing after it happened, so we hugged, got out an icepack and I sat down with him to "give it some time." He continued to wimper and at one point said, "I hate my life."

Me: "Why do you hate your life?"

Blake: "Because I always get hurt."

Me to myself silently: Yes, yes you do always get hurt.

Me to Blake: "I can tell you why."

Blake: (big green watery eyes meet mine) "Why?"

Me: "Because you put your heart into everything completely. You live hard and fully and that means sometimes you get hurt."

And I proceeded to explain my theory to him in a way he could connect with. And by golly, my words seemed to appease him, at least for the moment. At least until he gets hurt again.

You see, my little guy lives life 100%. Whatever has his attention has it completely. Whatever endeavor is before him, is tackled with intensity and passion. I admire my Blaker so much, because the way I see him living is the way I wish I lived. But I am ever cautious, ever prudent and many times that doesn't translate into full living.

The thing about full living though, is what my son learns often.... Putting yourself fully in can mean bumps and bruises. Putting yourself fully in can mean less containment and control, less "nice and neatness." Putting yourself fully in isn't safe at all.

And I hope, hope, hope that this kind of living that Blake does will be tempered when and where it needs to be, but otherwise, I pray it will be unleashed.

Song Crush #25

Three song crushes in one day...gotta be a record.

I have Sherry and Kristy and ultimately Katy to thank for this jem...

Song Crush #23 and #24

When it comes to music I generally find myself attracted to songs with a melancholic resonance. Even when I am in a good mood this holds true. Not exactly sure what that means...

Lately I have a crush on a duo called The Civil Wars. Their harmonies are sort of haunting...perfectly so.

And this post is a two-for. I also have a major crush on Green River Ordinance (also known as GRO). You should check out their website...As a band they have made some interesting choices, which I truly admire (i.e. leaving a major record label).

Permission

My oldest son told me that when he grows up he wants to be an actor. While I was glad he actually chose a profession this time (for several years he only wanted to be a daddy, which was sweet, but won't pay the bills, right?), I immediately asked him what else he wants to be. translation: what's your back up plan for when you don't make it as an actor?

Way to be a dream crusher, Mindy. Way to bring that nine year old back down to earth, mom.

Here's the deal. I am so practical at heart. I always have been, which is evidenced by the very practical career path I chose. Had I allowed myself to dream and wonder when I was 18 and 19, I might be a graphic designer or something equally as creative. Had I NOT let practicality govern my decision making, maybe I would be writing for a living? Who really knows. It's a moot point now.

But I find myself wondering if and when my little guy will start letting practicality govern. Does that just happen as years tick by, or will it be me or someone else that robs him of big dreams that may or may not make sense?

I want more for him. I want both of my sons to feel permission to dream. Permission to try and most importantly, permission to fail. Because for me, the fear of failure is often...more often than I'd like to admit...the impetus for my practicality.

Song Crush #22

I LOVE this song! It's a give you chills kind of song...a big song with a big sound that makes much of my big God.

side note: I think this band would site U2 as an influence, though I've never officially fact checked that (but seriously, who doesn't site U2 as an influence?).